Banal Fixation

Neal: Del... Why did you kiss my ear?
Del: Why are you holding my hand?
Neal: [frowns] Where's your other hand?
Del: Between two pillows...
Neal: Those aren't pillows!

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ok.  i don't want to promote gender profiling here on banal fixation, but i have to ask - what heterosexual 28 year old computer programmer  dude blares german techno music - I am guessing specifically invented during the height of the cold war to probably gay up east berlin and expedite that wall coming down - all the time??

you know what sucks about techno?  besides everything.  it's that right as the music starts to fade and things slow down and it is just a touch quieter and your headache just begins to recede THAT is the exact moment the music gets its loudest and bass-iest and this-song-makes-me-want-to-suck-on-1000-pacifiers-at-once and further deplete what must be an already limited supply of seratonin in me to begin with.

Look, Upstairs Neighbor - I get it.  You like the techno.  I get it, hombre.  Been there.  Fine, am busted - I was into the whole lifestyle myself for a hot minute myself back in 1999.  Sure I've never taken ecstasy or X or 'tasy or what have you, but I have been to a rave.  In a real warehouse.  And sure, my friends dorm at University of Wisconsin - Madison was in fact sponsoring buses to the rave, but I get it.  I have danced with the glowsticks.  And squatted in  bathrooms while my heart was beating out of my chest out of boredom to music with no discernible lyrics and wishing I was back at my friends dorm with some breadsticks from Gumby's and "Bye Bye Bye" on someone's CD player. 

I get it.

But please, you've got to throw me a bone.  Headphones.  We're all in this together.  How would you feel if I blasted "Terms of Endearment, "Sex and the City," and "Mad Men" reruns 24/7?

Also - since we're talking about "Bye Bye Bye"  I remember it came out in 2000, and that fall I started college and  whenever that song would come on it would be like the signature move of hilarity for every dude at every party I ever went to my freshman year  to start doing the dance moves from the video, which for some reason they had all memorized.  I fell in love each time.

I am always wrong at predicting trends.  I was sure that Backstreet Boys would stand the test of time and 'N Sync was but a blip on the radar.  This was back in the days of Jheri-curl J. Timberlake and matching head-to-toe denim outfits with Britney Spears.

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Prince Akeem:  Sir, where can one go to find nice women here?
Clarence:  You gotta get out and look, they ain't just gonna fall on your lap.
Semmi:  We've been to every bar in Queens.
Clarence:  Well, that's where you messed up, son, you can't go to no bar to find a nice woman. You gotta go to a nice place, a quiet place like a library, there's good women there and 'erm, church, they're good girls.

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One recent night out with my homies the night ended at a bar in Williamsburg probably around 11:30 on a schoolnight.  I was with one of my homegirls as well as my homes, C.  Homegirl surveyed the dismal bar as she took a bite of her pizza, "there are no cute boys here."  I looked around and saw a sea of skinny jeans and asymmetrical hair.  C rolled his eyes.  "What?  Why would you think there'd be cool guys that just so happened to be at this very bar on some random Tuesday night.  That's insane.  This is the problem with most girls.  You are being just like Prince Akeem and Semmi from Coming to America."  "Come again?"  "Remember when they go to Queens thinking they'll meet women?  You gotta meet good guys at nice places where nice guys hang out."  "OK, like where?"  "a library?  church?  i don't know. that's what the old dude in "Coming to America" recommended..."

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Finally, how can I bag a man like your husband, Will Arnett?

Just go up to a big guy, cough a little, and say "Carry me" in a baby voice. Sometimes that works. Will's so gorgeous and funny, but what attracted me to him most was how much of a provider he is. He was really a man among a lot of boys.

--  Amy Poehler in "The Advocate" - May, 2009

(photo via The Washington Post.  Would kill to be the guy in the kangol.)

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Example two!  Jon Favreau = Obama's speechwriter = MVP Top Girl Crush 2008/2009

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Ok, best use of the song from a 90s movie.  The 'omg, this guy is such a baller, I can't believe what a big tipper he is, and something doesn't feel quite right but they just set up a whole table for us with a LAMP and everything so I will ignore any misgivings for now since I am way hugely attracted to him" date at the Copa from Goodfellas!

Goodnight Banal Fixation readers (Mom.)!

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Ok, now I must include the best getting ready for a date scene from an 80's movie.  Elisabeth Shue in "Adventures in Babysitting" getting ready for the best night of her life with... Bradley Whitford (Josh Lyman!).  What?  I know.  But aren't they supposed to be in high school?  Of course.   Why is he trying so hard to do his best Dylan McKay impression when 90210 won't be on for another 5 years??  I don't know.  Then after all the getting ready, and Bradley Whitford doing his sexy-guy face he goes on to stand her up!  But all works out!  And she ends up making out with the the dreamy fiance from "Father of the Bride!" 

This below is of course a most faithful reenaction of what it is like to get ready for a date, missing only pre-partying to the Notebook, and of course doing an "If They Mated" photo collage of what future offspring would look like.  

Enjoy!

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